So, here's where we are at on this fifth day of July, in the year 2006:

-- Ken Lay is dead from a heart attack, saving him from prison, but sentencing him to what could prove to be a very interesting afterlife.

-- The space shuttle Discovery is in space, and Gabrielle Giffords is trying to use the fact that her boyfriend is on the flight to her political advantage.

-- Kim Jong Il wants attention.

-- The UA has a new head dude.

-- And now we have breaking news from an astrologer that based on his astrological readings, Ken Lay could not possibly be dead.

That's your news update. God help us all.

Our deepest condolences to the family and friends of Samuel Zawada and Valerie McGregor, who were killed in a car accident last week.

Some of you may remember that Valerie was featured, along with twin sister Emily, in a 2003 cover story by Tom Danehy.

So now the news is that the space shuttle launch, scheduled for tomorrow after several delays, could be in jeopardy because of a big ol' crack in the foam on the fuel tank. Of course, it was foam that fell off of the fuel tank that hit space shuttle Columbia in 2003, eventually dooming the craft.

The whole damn shuttle process pisses me off.

I think this country should be spending—wisely, of course—good money on top-notch science to take mankind into space. But that's not what we're doing. Instead, we're still futzing around with the space shuttle, which is 1970s technology—and even the space shuttle was a budget compromise of sorts.

There's no need to have a space shuttle attached to a foam-laden bag of explosives. There's new technology. Yet we're still using the equivalent of a 1976 Dodge Dart to get into space. Sigh.

This is truly news of the weird as the defendant is a court judge on trial for indecent exposure and using a penis pump under his robe during jury trials. As a former juror, it's probably more fun to sit on this jury than a boring DUI.

I always like to see a well-rounded politican: Junichiro Koizumi channels the King.

Who would have thought that one day fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches would be a valuable tool for international relations?