I was the last real draftsman. Now they all do CAD, a lewd acronym for "computer-aided design." I never learned CAD; refused to learn CAD. I know this attitude ruined my life, but I don't care. I've watched CAD remove the soul from buildings, replace flesh-and-blood people with scale figures, and reduce neighborhoods to parking lots. CAD has destroyed much, much more than I ever have. They should throw CAD in jail, instead of me!

I bet this stinking prison cell was done on CAD! Width of shoulders to be greater than width of windows; surfaces to be continuous; click and drag; click and drag. Believe me, this prison cell is NOT conducive to rehabilitation.

The first time I drove a burning vehicle into a shopping mall, I made a couple of minor mistakes. 1.) I lit the fire in the trunk, instead of out front with the heavy, facade-penetrating part of the car. 2.) I used my own car.

I corrected those errors the next time, and then, too, the last time. In all three cases, the targets of my fiery assaults were CAD-designed shopping mall storefronts. Garish, stupid, stucco things built only, and precisely, to corral gaggles of mindless shoppers to their financial doom! Who wouldn't want to drive a flaming car into that?

Why couldn't my boss just let me keep drafting manually? "There's no time for this type of drawing anymore," she said. "It's hard to put these on disc," she said. "How's Planning supposed to red-line these?" she said. So, I was sent out to shopping mall sites where I measured sprinklers and fire escapes. To be perfectly honest, I suppose that experience did make me a better arsonist.

In my last two mall attacks, the fires spread to other stores. I try to be good at whatever I do. I try to improve; that's just how I am. A local paper reported that my third fire damaged fifteen stores. Gay GAP, Christian Book Censors, and Chinese Plastic Shiny! were total losses, which made it a hate-crime. I'll be in here for a while.

My old, oak drafting table is now collecting mold in a musty basement. My former tools - pens, pencils, triangles, compasses, rulers - are thrift store ephemera. My blueprints must be yellowed and brittle. But, my ideas? They haven't changed. Not at all.

For example, the other day I traded a favor for a box of matches. What did I do with the matches? Did I burn my cellmate's disgusting mattress? I did not. Instead, I cut the soles of my shoes into strips, burned the strips into charred ashes, and rolled the ashes into little snakes using thin leaves from the prison yard. In short, I made my own charcoal sticks, and I've been using them to draft the front and side elevations of Notre Dame Cathedral - from memory! - onto my cell wall.

Believe me, architecture isn't what it used to be.

We just received word that the Tucson Slam Team Fundraiser/performance/dance party featured in City Week has been moved.

Here's that word, from the event organizers:

Okay, y'all know that no poetry event is complete without something going horribly awry, so here it is: Solar Culture Gallery has been temporarily shut down by the fire marshall, and we can't have a show there.

BUT DO NOT DESPAIR.

Instead, we will be performing at the equally cool MAT BEVEL INSTITUTE, located at 530 N. Stone. It's in downtown Tucson, just a short walk from Solar Culture, it houses the Museum of Kinetic Art, and—bonus—it has its own parking! We are HELLA lucky to get this space on such short notice, so come out and help celebrate our good fortune. Same time, same price, and with just as much hot Team Tucson poetry (including never-before-seen pieces) and Sonidero Verbobala dance party!

Friday, July 10, 2009
8:00 pm/doors at 7:30
The Max Bevel Institute
530 N Stone, downtown Tucson
$10

Bring your friends, a chair, and your dancin' shoes. Chair optional.

See you there!

We're not sure about the "Solar Culture Gallery has been temporarily shut down by the fire marshall (sic)" part, as the Solar Culture Web site notes that the Slam Team event has been moved, but still lists other shows as going on.

We recommend calling ahead, and we'll let you know more as we find out more.

Tucson’s Southern Arizona VA Health Care System — aka the VA hospital over on South Sixth Avenue — is getting hip to the greener side of things thanks to some federal stimulus money.

Here’s the press release with more info.

WASHINGTON — U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords today welcomed the announcement that the Department of Veterans Affairs is targeting nearly one-quarter of its $1.4 billion in funds from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act to investments in clean energy generation and energy conservation.

Among the investments is $1.14 million that will be coming to Tucson’s Southern Arizona VA Health Care System for the installation of solar photovoltaic panels.

“The transition to a clean-energy economy must include harnessing Arizona’s most abundant resource: the sun,” said Giffords. “I applaud the VA for its efforts to lead us in a new direction away from our dependence on foreign oil.”

According to an announcement made Wednesday by Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric K. Shinseki, the VA will direct more than $68 million in stimulus funds to renewable energy sources, including solar, wind, and geothermal. The department also dedicated nearly $238 million toward retrofitting existing buildings to use energy and water more efficiently.

VA hospitals in Tucson, Phoenix and Prescott will receive a total of $4.78 million.

“Since hospitals use such large amounts of energy, we need to step up our efforts to transition to clean-energy technologies,” Shinseki said. “These measures, identified through regularly scheduled energy audits, facility condition assessments, and ongoing monitoring by energy engineers and other staff, are important steps in ‘greening’ VA.”

Shinseki’s announcement follows last month’s passage of the American Clean Energy and Security Act by the House of Representatives. This legislation is aimed at boosting production of renewable energy while creating jobs, reducing dependence on foreign energy, and limiting harmful greenhouse gas emissions. At the insistence of Giffords and Reps. Dina Titus of Nevada and Martin Heinrich of New Mexico, the bill included a provision to significantly increase the use of renewable electricity by the federal government — the nation’s largest energy consumer.

Soul food has returned to Tucson.

So says Pat Freeman, one of the owner/operators of Tucson’s new — and, to my knowledge, only — soul food restaurant, Auntie Dora’s Porch, which has set up shop at 903 E. Fort Lowell Road, in the old Molly G’s location.

Auntie Dora’s Porch is a family run eatery specializing in soul food, the gut-busting cousin of country cooking that takes its cue from the ancient culinary traditions of Africa and eventually, by way of the slave trade, the Deep South.

I think I gained about a pound and a half just looking at the menu. Fried catfish nuggets, liver and onions, fried chicken, smothered chicken, ham hocks. Corn muffins, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, beans and rice and greens round out the list of hefty offerings, which you can slosh down with an iced tea — sweet or plain.

Freeman also assured me that chicken and waffles, a popular Southern meal that has yet to make it onto a menu here in Tucson, will be served in the very near future. She calls it “waffles and wings,” and from the hearty laugh she let out when I asked her how her version tasted, I’m betting it'll be out of sight.

Hours are 6 a.m. to 2 p.m., Monday through Thursday; 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., Friday; and 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Saturday and Sunday.

Also worthy of note, says Freeman, is the fish fry, which takes place every Friday at 4 p.m.

Call 888-2772 for more information.

A Convair B-36J Peacemaker, the largest bomber ever built by the United States, was slowly rolled out onto the grounds of the Pima Air and Space Museum on Wednesday, July 1 at 9:15 am.

The plane has been secured in its new site, enabling visitors to walk directly under and around the massive plane.
The staff of the Restoration division at the museum, assisted by volunteers, slowly escorted the huge plane, which has a 230-foot wingspan and is 162 feet long, from the restoration area of the museum to its display location on the northwest side of the museum close to Valencia Road.

This plane, called the “City of Fort Worth”, is the last B-36 built by Convair at its Fort Worth, Texas plant. It was delivered to the Air Force on Aug. 14, 1954. The plane is owned by the National Museum of the United States Air Force, which assigned the loan of the B-36 to the Pima Air & Space Museum for restoration and public display in June of 2005.

The restoration crew, led by Scott Marchand, director of collections and restoration at the Pima Air & Space Museum, drove to Ft. Worth, Texas and coordinated transport of the plane to Tucson.

“For the past four years, the restoration crew has been painstakingly and lovingly putting this plane back together. It was transported to Tucson in pieces. More than 24,000 man hours have gone into this project, involving 5 technicians, several restoration experts and many volunteers,” said Yvonne Morris, executive director of the Pima Air & Space Museum.

“Restoring the B-36 is a huge achievement for our museum,” she said. “And it is a great addition to our collection.”

The Pima Air & Space Museum, located at 6000 E. Valencia Road in Tucson, Arizona, houses 300 aircraft on 80 acres. The collection includes an SR-71 spy plane, one of President Kennedy’s Air Force One’s, a super guppy plane from NASA, and numerous historic aircraft and helicopters. The museum is open daily from 9 am to 5 pm. For more information, visit pimaair.org.

The preceding information is from Bolchalk FReY Marketing.

State Sen. Pamela Gorman appears to be the victim of her battle against chocolate soldiers.

Senate President Bob Burns finally exercised the nuclear option and booted Gorman from the Senate Rules Committee. It doesn't exactly sound like a dramatic moment, but here's the underlying meaning: Every bill in the Senate has to come through the Rules Committee, so it's the last chance to stop anything from reaching the floor.

Gorman, the majority whip who has been undermining Burns for much of the session (to the delight of a few colleagues and the annoyance of others), led the effort to reject the budget compromise that Burns had worked out with Gov. Jan Brewer at the close of the session. As a result, the governor's proposal for a one-cent-per-dollar sales tax increase died, and so did the GOP budget, once Brewer vetoed it.

The question remains: Will Gorman remain as majority whip? It would take a full vote of the caucus to strip her of that position.

Here's another question: WTF is a chocolate soldier? Gorman explained it in a post on the Fox News Forum earlier this year:

Early in my career, a friend warned me about entering battle alongside a colleague, describing him as a “chocolate soldier.” “Chocolate soldiers say all the right things and look formidable entering the battlefield,” he explained. “Problem is that they melt in the heat.” As we confront the nation’s largest budget deficit in Arizona, I understand what he meant.

We had to wrap The Skinny this week just after the Tucson City Council meeting ended, so we couldn't get in the rather important fact that Don Martin rejected the proposal that the Rialto Theatre Foundation be allowed to remain in their offices for three months while working out a deal to trade or purchase the property that the developers now own and the theatre is now using.

Martin has informed the foundation that he is proceeding with eviction, but all parties—including Martin, Rialto Theatre Foundation Board President Michael Crawford, City Manager Michael Letcher and others—will be having a big pow-wow today to see if a more reasonable deal can be negotiated. Details to follow as they become available.

Photo by Dave Olsen

Arizona Sen. Syliva Allen's comment about the earth being 6,000 years old, posted on YouTube by the Arizona Guardian, is breaking into the MSM, with Keith Olbermann naming her the worst person in the world.

It's also bouncing all over the blogosphere, with references on sites such as Daily Kos and Andrew Sullivan's blog at the Atlantic. It's turning into a hit on the the blogs of scientists, too.

Our favorite so far is Phil Plait at Discover magazine's Bad Astronomy blog, who notes:

It’s not that she says the Earth is 6,000 years old — twice, just to make sure — that floors me. It’s the casual way she said it, as if she said "I had a cup of coffee today." From her manner, it’s clear that not only does she believe this complete and utter nonsense, but this is a simple fact woven into her mind just like the Sun is bright or chocolate is tasty.

To her, the Earth being 6,000 years old just is.

Now, to be fair, this video is without context, and so we can’t be absolutely sure she’s a creationist. But it sure as heck sounds that way, and given her voting record it fits right in.

The irony, of course — and there’s always irony when creationism is involved — is that she’s talking about uranium mining, and it’s through the radioactive decay of uranium that we know the Earth is billions of years old. And she also praises technological achievements!

BTW, Kenny Jabobs at A Pithy Diary was hoping the YouTube clip of Allen's absurdity would reach more than 100,000 views before the end of July. It has passed the 100K mark already, which probably makes it the most-watched moment of the legislative session. As Blog for Arizona points out, Allen has gone viral. Perhaps that was God's plan all along?

You're making Arizona proud, Sen. Allen!

It's a sad day at Weekly World Central.

Red Star is no longer Tucson Weekly Top Commentor. Food Diva Rita is in the lead. I hope she knows how to handle this responsibility.

An animated short that began in 1945 (but didn’t premiere till 2003) will finally make it to DVD by next year, along with a documentary about Dali and Disney's history together.

The film, Destino, began as a collaboration between the two artists and ended as a seven-minute long love story of Chronos and his ill-fated longing for a mortal female. While Dali started working on storyboards in 1945, the studios’ financial troubles from World War II put the project on hold. In the late '90s Disney, animators took another look at Dali’s storyboards, but only 18 seconds of Dali’s original animation remains (the turtle people at the end).

The idea of Dali and Disney together seems like an odd cultural leap, but the 2003 result is beautiful.