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I was pretty confused last week when stories from some rather reputable news sources claimed that I was no longer a Virgo. But before I set about restructuring my personality profile to suit a new sign, I e-mailed the Tucson Astrologers' Guild for clarification, and they got back to me today with the below press release.

Press Release for Those Confused by Astronomers Claiming There Are 13 Signs

By Matthew Lauten

This old story has been dredged up once again by an astronomer from Minnesota apparently. Normally, I don’t even pay attention to this stuff, but it apparently went viral on the web, and several media people have asked me my opinion. In response, I offer this press release:

Ophiuchus, the purported 13th sign in the zodiac, has been known to astrologers since ancient times. That a statement like this could even be made by someone, just shows their ignorance of astrology. The zodiac used in astrology is based on the seasons of the year on Earth. Thus, the zodiac was divided into 12 equal signs of 30* each as a measurement of time. The ancient astrologers main job was to mark the turning of the seasons: there were no clocks or calendars back then. It is nothing more than that. The confusion comes from the fact that these signs at one time (the time of ancient Greece’s apex) roughly coincided to constellations starting with Aries on the Spring Equinox. Because of precession, that is no longer the case. Precession is the apparent movement of the stars in the sky from Earth’s viewpoint due to a wobble in the earth’s rotational axis. All the stars in the sky move approximately 1* every 70 years or so. This is where we get “the beginning of the Age of Aquarius” from. The stars at dawn on the Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere for the past 2000+ years have been in the constellation Pisces: thus, the years considered “A.D.” (ie — after Jesus Christ was born) have been “the Age of Pisces.” Now, the stars of Aquarius are becoming the dawn stars on the Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere — thus, the Age of Aquarius is dawning. In 22,000 years, the stars of Aries will once again be aligned with the Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere and it will be “the Age of Aries” (again).

Tucson has had a number of wacky local television shows in its history, but as far as I know, this city has never had its own Soul Train knockoff, like Detroit's The Scene, which ran from 1975 to 1987.

As shocking as this statement sounds, The Scene might have even been a little bit cooler than Don Cornelius' famous show since Detroit's version included the techno music that was emerging from the city at the time. Also, any opportunity to hear Kano's "I'm Ready" is a good one.

Note to local television channels: I think Tucson is dying for a soul and techno dance party program. Make it happen.

I don't think the Montreal schoolteacher who filmed children reacting in adorable ways to antiquated technology was specifically trying to drive me to afternoon drinking, but he may have succeeded accidentally.

First Little Red Riding Hood’s big bad wolf no longer ate Grandma.

• Photo Ryn Gargulinski
• PC edits everything, from fairy tales to classic lit.

Then new versions of the Bible popped up, replacing those horribly discriminatory phrases such as “sons of God” with the gender-neutral and politically correct “children of God.”

Now the PC zealots are setting their beady little eyes — and their big, fat editing pens — on literature’s classic texts.

They are taking the “n” word, and the equally disturbing term “Injun,” out of Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn, according to a “Publishers Weekly” report.

Both will be replaced by the much more benign and politically correct term “slave.”

Never mind historical context, author’s intent or that the words in the 1880s did not hold the same malice and evil they hold and produce today. Push all that aside, and instead mangle the text to make a few crybabies happy.

UPDATE with playlist and download at bottom of post

People try to cry their way out of speeding tickets or make up some lame excuse to explain their traffic violations all the time.

• Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

But one Ohio guy’s excuse for driving drunk is a new one.

He’s blaming Ozzy Osbourne.

That story and more are up this week on Rynski’s Shattered Reality radio show on Party934.com and FM 94.9 in Hudson Valley, N.Y.

Next show is Wednesday, Jan. 5 (today!) and every Wednesday online at Party934.com. Showtime is 1 p.m. in Arizona, 3 p.m. EST.

Party 934 is a radio alternative for listeners sick of stations that play one song followed by 500 commercials.

Songs that mention the WEATHER are once again this week’s theme and with a slate of cool tunes in the forecast.

Thanks! to all who keep the song requests coming.

I like the existing version of 30 Rock, but I'd be willing to watch the Japanese re-invention of the show as well.

[HT: Splitsider]

Grab your children and your cameras, as World War III is on the way for 2011.

• Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

At least that’s one of the predictions that kept popping up while researching the 10 worst things in store for the new year.

Psychic Linda Monroe, who claimed to have predicted a plane flying into a “Major City and lots of falling debree” on Sept. 11 and the equally accurate “death of a famous British male actor in 2001,” even says the next world war will involve weapons that shoot out “microwave type beams.”

Eek. We’ve all seen what happens to Peeps in the microwave. Imagine what happens to people.

But that’s OK, as Catholic Planet says at least the Big Apple will be spared from being microwaved as New York City is instead going to be hit by a nuclear bomb.

To make matters even scarier, the nuclear bomb attack is likely to be controlled by computer hackers, who already mussed up some Iranian top-secret stuff.

Yes, hackers and their malicious computer viruses will hit the 2011 scene with a vengeance, says MSNBC.com, going for bigger and more widespread mayhem. Reducing our personal little machines to expensive paperweights, like one did to my laptop last month, was just child’s play.

Computers are not the only thing that will be felled by viruses, as a sickness and death promises to infect living things as well.

Updated with playlist and download at bottom of the post.

One drug smuggler got his holidays a bit mixed up when he reportedly tried to sneak cocaine through Los Angeles International Airport. He hid the drugs in little Easter egg candy—in the middle of December.

• Art Ryn Gargulinski
• Rabbit who ate the Easter candy

It didn’t work.

That story and more are up this week on Rynski’s Shattered Reality radio show on Party934.com and FM 94.9 in Hudson Valley, N.Y.

Next show is Wednesday, Dec. 29 (today!) and every Wednesday online at Party934.com. Showtime is 1 p.m. in Arizona, 3 p.m. EST.

Party 934 is a radio alternative for listeners sick of stations that play one song followed by 500 commercials.

Songs that mention the WEATHER are this week’s theme and we are ready for a musical storm.

Thanks! to all who keep the song requests coming.

The National Weather Service says snow might be in store for Southern Arizona this week. From the forecast on the organization’s website:

2010 WILL END WET ... COLD AND SNOWY AS A STRONG PACIFIC STORM SYSTEM MOVES INTO THE WESTERN STATES LATER THIS WEEK. A COLD FRONT WILL MOVE ACROSS THE AREA ON WEDNESDAY PRODUCING WIDESPREAD VALLEY RAIN AND MOUNTAIN SNOW. SHOWER ACTIVITY WILL CONTINUE ON THURSDAY BEFORE ENDING ON FRIDAY. WITH COLDER AIR PUSHING IN BEHIND THE COLD FRONT SNOW LEVELS WILL LOWER TO THE VALLEY FLOOR THURSDAY INTO FRIDAY. SNOW AMOUNTS IN THE MOUNTAINS ARE FORECAST TO RANGE FROM 4 TO 12 INCHES ... WITH THE HIGHEST AMOUNTS ABOVE 7000 FEET. SNOW SHOWERS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE DOWN TO THE VALLEY FLOORS WITH LITTLE ACCUMULATION EXPECTED.