Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind

From the Onion News Network's Today Now!, this is the idea I've been looking for all spring (in between frantic, panicked looks at my checking account balance). Now I just have to figure out a way to get the rest of my family on board. We could be imagining a trip to New Zealand by this evening.

croissant
execration
hesthogenous
amphistylar
watteau
thalassocracy
psephomancy
pyopoiesis
völkerwanderung
rapakivi
lakatoi
zwischenspiel
preux preux
sangsue
lekane
naumkeag
orgeat
periscii
cymotrichous

This kid is the Andrew W.K. of learning-to-ride-a-bike motivational speeches. THUMBS UP FOR ROCK AND ROLL!

[Videogum]

• Photo Ryn Gargulinski
• Tucson's desert heat and sun does wonders for saguaro, too.

Despite people warning me that if I moved to Tucson, within a matter of weeks, I’d look like an old leather shoe, I am still glad to say I have not seen any wrinkles.

It might help that my bathroom mirror is surrounded by 40-watt light bulbs. Or it could be that Tucson is a miraculous oasis for retaining youth and beauty. I prefer to believe the latter, which also explains why so many retirees flock here.

Tucson is the Western Fountain of Youth.

The weather is largely to thank, as Tucson’s sunshine puts people in a better mood than the gray skies of Saskatchewan or the grimy smog of Los Angeles. When you’re in a good mood, things are rosy, and a positive outlook can actually increase your lifespan.

Although Good Housekeeping says a positive outlook prolonging your life works best if you start the positive thinking when you’re very young, there’s no harm in crotchety old people attempting to improve their mood, outlook and lifespan, too.

I have no idea why the Phoenix New Times decided to make a bacon version of Joe Arpaio, but I welcome that sort of pioneering spirit. $75 well spent:

Former TW film critic James DiGiovanna is getting a lot of attention for an FAQ for his philosophy students in case The Rapture occurs tomorrow. A sample:

Q: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper?
A: Yes. The odds are you will not be judged worthy of ascent to heaven, in which case your grades will still be a basis of judgment for rewards in this earthly sphere.

Q: What if my instructor is raptured?
A: None of our instructors bear much chance of being judged worthy. However, on the off chance your instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place.

Q: If my mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/favorite aunt/etc. is chosen, will I be excused from the final so that I may mourn his/her loss?
A: No. They have not died, but been granted eternal life, thus this does not count as a case of a death in the family.

[Spoonbot]

• Photo Ryn Gargulinski
• Lazlo the skink

We’re talking about why lizards do push-ups. While we can come up with theories that range from absorbing warmth from a tree limb to stretching their legs after a lengthy nap, the real reason lizards to push-ups is simply to get attention.

This is just one of the juicy local wildlife questions that keeps many a Tucsonan awake at night, kicking at the covers and unable to rest, lest we get to the bottom of such sweet mysteries.

It’s the male lizards that engage in the push-up practice, the Discovery Channel explains, for the sole purpose of letting other lizards know a lizard He-Man is on the scene.

And what a He-Man feat these push-ups are. Perched on all fours, the full-body push-ups fully thrust the lizard’s entire frame up and down in quick succession — probably more exercise than some people get in a month.

I refuse to drink Budweiser while playing "Poolball" but when there's an opportunity to mix two things I enjoy but am terrible at, I couldn't resist hanging out wherever this game would be available.

• Sign and photo by Ryn Gargulinski
• Marketing 101: Signs work well on street corners.

These wonderful words of wisdom came from an ambitious and creative woman who started her own pet publication a few years back. It rocked. It ruled. It ran one of my stories and several of my doggie horoscopes.

Its print edition and website are now both defunct.

I’ve become intimate with self-employment in the field of writing and art since leaving my full-time gig in December. Making self-employment work is definitely the tough part of the equation, although it can be done with enough savvy, ambition — and adequate sleep. It also helps to remain positive.

Before we continue, we must clear up the difference between self-employment and unemployment. Unemployment lets you sit around and collect a government check. Self-employment works your butt off, possibly making less than you would with that government check, while paying astronomic taxes on the whole deal.

The self-employment blues run in a monthly cycle, not unlike another monthly cycle that leaves many pained, cranky and wanting to vomit. With self-employment, the early part of the month kicks off with glee, ambition and a fresh calendar to stock with all types of fun assignments.

Week one cranks by at a typing speed of 135 wpm, several juicy PayPal deposits and a fresh perspective. Then the same old assignments get boring.

The lesson: never tell comedians what they're not allowed to do or you'll end up watching a Taiwanese recreation of the royal wedding night, complete with Hitler and Paddington Bear watching as voyeurs.

Note: this is really not safe for work. Unless you work here, then it's fine. I think.