Thought the Internet couldn't get dumber? You're wrong! Who cares about waiting a year to be "officially amazing," as the Guinness World Records website proclaims, when Recordsetter.com has finally taken stupid record setting to the 24-hour internet cycle?

The site's manifesto states, "We believe every person on earth has potential to be the world's best 'something'. RecordSetter's mission is to become the database where all such achievements will live."

That includes "Longest Two-Wheel Office Chair Balance On A Hardwood Floor." (26.41 seconds.)

Partnering with Stride Gum, the site is giving away $500 checks to 100 people who break records, set daily, on things that never were considered record-worthy, like "Longest Distance to Throw an 8 1/2" x 11" Piece of Paper."

But hurry, today's record #91, "Longest Time To Support Body With Arms While Extending Legs Horizontally," is on the tail-end of the 100 record giveaway streak.

I guess after Sept. 28 you'll have to act stupid for free.

I personally think there are Christian schools that manage to provide a quality education via the lens of faith, but stuff like this page from a science textbook for fourth graders published by Bob Jones University (an academic institution perhaps best known for having a decades-long ban on interracial dating) isn't helping. At all.

Then again, perhaps this particular curriculum was inspired by Professors Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope:

[Dangerous Minds]

I'm not going to lie: Facebook often embarrassingly understands what I like and what I'm interested in. Yes, Facebook, I love cats. I enjoy green tea. I love bikes. They even know somehow that I have a penchant for Yahtzee! I'm going to put my tinfoil hat on now.

But sometimes the algorithm coughs up some things that make me ask, "Really Facebook? With all your eloquent advertising algorithms and advanced social networking software, this is what you think of me?"

Case and point: "barefoot sports shoes".

I personally think these shoes are disgusting. I will never forget the nightmarish interruption to a peaceful coffee date one afternoon when a man at the next table was RUBBING HIS TOESHOES IN PUBLIC. Gross!

Okay, so it's a pretty humorous mistake. But what about their notorious face-tagging software that persistently nudged me to tag this guy after I uploaded pictures from my summer in Beijing?

Well, at least we know computers aren't smart enough to take over the world for a little bit longer.

You have until October 10th at 1:30 pm to get your affairs in order, because I'm pretty sure Steve Harwell from inexplicably famous surf-rock-something-or-other act Smash Mouth eating 24 eggs as part of an online bet at Guy Fieri's restaurant was one of the last signs of the apocalypse. Check the first Left Behind book, I think it happens somewhere around page 200.

After being prompted by a bizarre online fan challenge, lead singer of the multi-platinum GRAMMY-nominated group Smash Mouth, Steve Harwell, has set a date to eat 24 eggs as promised. Pairing up with celebrity chef Guy Fieri who has offered to cook the eggs, the "Egg Challenge" will take place on October 10, 2011 at 1:30 p.m. at Fieri's restaurant, Johnny Garlic's, in Dublin, Calif.

The call for Smash Mouth to eat two dozen eggs came about when a fan prompted the challenge on a blog website, Something Awful. The spontaneous request was immediately backed by a multitude of fans via the website, Twitter and Facebook continuously urging Harwell to eat the eggs. Soon, it became one of the hottest trending topics on Twitter and Yahoo, and like an encore chant at a live concert, Harwell had no choice but to submit to their pleas.

[A Very Strange Press Release]

Tucson Weekly south-central-bureau correspondent Garrett Dangerfield brings us these photos, from the military-recruiting center on Broadway Boulevard just west of Swan Road.

Check out the text at the bottom of the poster.

I don't know I missed this yesterday, but of all the tributes to first responders, the military at home and abroad, and America in general, this seems like the most heartfelt and - dare I say - the most important.

[HT: Gawker]

If while you're at your local convenience store stocking up on Big Gulps and donuts (don't deny it, Tucson), Gumby enters the scene demanding cash and cigarettes—don't panic. Gumby is a flat character so you can expect him to be clumsy with his gun and flail his big green arms around to evoke fear. Don't fall for his classic tricks and adorable outfit.

No comment from Pokey, following the advice of his retained legal counsel.

A UCLA student has voluntarily been apart of the Libyan rebels fighting force for the past two weeks, according to the reporters who found him there, appropriately wearing an LA jersey and not able to speak Arabic.

Cool story, bro!

More from Gawker:

Jeon bought an $800 one-way plane ticket from L.A. to Cairo two weeks ago, then snuck across the boarder into Libya. He of course has no actual affinity for the rebels: "At spring break I told my friends a 'sick' vacation would be to come here and fight with the rebels," he told a Christian Monitor reporter. And he is about as good a soldier as you would expect, according to the National:

"How do you fire this thing?" he asked on Wednesday as a bearded rebel handed him an AK-47. Locating the trigger of the assault rifle and switching off the safety, Mr Jeon fired it in the air in two short bursts.
"I want to fight in Sirte!" he proclaimed, using hand gestures and pointing west towards Sirte. Whether the rebels understood him was far from clear. "It's hard to communicate. I don't really speak any Arabic," he said.

This is a metastasized version of that strange affliction many college kids have which forces them to visit the most screwed-up places on earth as an antidote to their college lives being a four-year food-drink-and-drug binge pajama party. Reading the articles and seeing the pictures of this soon-to-be famous war tourist, it's hard not to think: "This guy is going to die so freaking hard." Although if he doesn't, it's safe to say he will not have a problem getting laid when he gets back home.

For some reason, Lindsay Lohan, likely to be seen soon featured in soft-core pornography at this rate, got a tattoo with lyrics from a Billy Joel song. That part sort of makes sense, since Lohan has Long Island roots, but picking lines from "I Go To Extremes"? That's weird.

Maybe you don't remember the song? Possibly because it's not actually very good?

It's a little late now, but here's my top five lyrics from the compilation The Essential Billy Joel that I would have suggested instead:

1. "Some people live with the fear of a touch/And the anger of having been a fool" from "An Innocent Man"
2. "Workin' too hard can give you a heart attack" from "Anthony's Song (Movin' Out)"
3. "I was only having fun/Wasn't hurting anyone/And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change" from "You May Be Right"
4. "I won't be getting up today" from "Allentown"
5. "Say a word out of line/And you find that the friends/You had are gone forever" from "Say Goodbye to Hollywood"

A whopping 55 seconds of proof that Kim Kardashian should never sing, ever has been floating around the 'net lately, much to her horror I'm sure.

I mean, I know I sure wouldn't want everyone to know what I look like after what I can only assume was a lost-battle with whoever mandated she wear spandex and have a sweaty looking ass simultaneously (soft-porners rejoice!).

I say this because no way would one would choose that for themselves, right? Say it ain't so Kim K.