Though considering "Paradise Valley" already sounds like the name of a fictional village somewhere within the canon of pornographic lore, that shouldn't be surprising.

• pornmd.com

Pornography search engine PornMD (NSFW — but if you click on a link to a site named PornMD while working, you deserve to get fired) has done the world a service, sifting through undoubtedly sticky and uncomfortable stacks of search engine data to determine what the 10 most popular search terms on porn sites are over a 6 month period (and no, the word "period" is not among them).

Arizona's most popular porn search term, "teen" just surpassed "MILF" (which, for the uninitiated, is an initialism that stands for "Mother I'd Like to F—k") as of this morning, which is actually kind of surprising. I mean, the people who attend ASU Girls Gone Wild University and Casino surely aren't watching their own work, right? Aside from the film students, of course.

America's top pick though, is MILF—which must relieve the lonely housewives of both Phoenix and its affluent suburb of Paradise Valley, who now know that their hobbies aren't going unnoticed. Rounding out the rest of the US's top terms, in descending order: "teen," "college," "creampie," "massage," "asian," "pov," "amateur," "compilation," and "anal." On the off chance those happen to be answers to a quiz, you owe us beer.

We'll leave you with random search terms from around the world, because ignoring the fact that Peru searches for "just beiber (gay)" is practically criminal (our comments are bracketed):

Alaska: "lisa ann" [star of Who's Nailin' Paylin?]; Kentucky: "free gay porn" [the top search term!]; Finland: "squirt compilation"; Sweden: "massage" [seems appropriate]; Iceland: "prostate massage"; Ukraine: "Kim Kardashian"; Romania: "mom and son" [oh god why]; Czech Republic: "castrated shemale" [!!!]; Kazakhstan: "playboy mansion" [how quaint!]; Kazakhstan: "squirt machine" [there we go]; Nigeria: "things i jack off to" [straightforward]; South Africa: "poop"

• psychologytoday.com

According to a study of Craigslist's "Missed Connections" sections across the country by Dorothy Gambrell, the most popular place in the United States where love is found (and then lost, in short order) is Walmart. Yeah, seriously.

Gambrell's research, presented in map-form, is the result of poring through a state's 100 most recent "Missed Connections" at the time they were collected—which we could probably safely assume took place last fall, as Oklahoma's state fare (the most popular location for Oklahomans to miss out on romance) occurs in September.

Apparently (though not necessarily shockingly,) lonely lovers in the South tend to see most of their potential sweethearts at Walmart, while Georgians tend to miss out on people in...uh..."the car." Whatever that means.

The second most popular place for Americans to be missing out is, generally, the market (for my purposes, I lumped in supermarkets with "superstores" and gas stations, because you can buy beef jerky at all of them, I figure,) followed by public transportation systems (generally in the Northeast).

Interestingly, during Gambrell's search period, most of Arizona's missed connections tend to happen at L.A. Fitness, of all places. A look today through Tucson's Missed Connections finds that, indeed, many missed connections postings tend to focus on the gym—though there's also a ton of cryptic poetry, a fair number of grocery store non-hookups, a few arguments between spurned lovers, and even one taxi cab driver bitching about a passenger who got him/her sick.

Ah, love.

(h/t: Andrew Sullivan)

As those of you who have been following 150 Shades of Shame, our erotic fiction contest, may have noticed, we announced the winners and a selection of honorable mentions this week.

So firstly, let's congratulate First Place winner Saba Bennett ("The Tiki Tryst") and Second Place winners Lucy Lucious ("New Floor") and Monica Friedman ("150 Prosthetics of Every Conceivable Color) for their spectacular entries.

Secondly...man, how about some of those honorable mentions? I mean, it was interesting to learn that our readers not only image we have incredibly interesting sex lives at the Weekly (Katherine Elizabeth Standefer's "2", to which I still must ask, what's with the sparklers?) but that we occasionally get down at the office (Narda Rivera's "Police Dispatch") — plus, there was anthropomorphic plant sex (Tommie Johnson's "Plant Man"), which is always interesting. Depressing in a way, considering our personals haven't had anything that unique in quite some time (damn you, Craigslist!), but still interesting.

But to completely ignore the many, many submissions we had that didn't make the cut would be a disservice to the folks who worked so hard to rub their smut all over the keyboard. So, let's take a look at the folks who missed the cut — and for some, they were truly juuuust off the mark. Each story is presented in its original, unedited form, aside from the occasional title I've hung around their necks.

Oh, and these are all seriously, seriously NSFW. Read in public at your own risk.

Today is the absolute final day to submit entries for "150 Shades of Shame," our short erotic fiction contest made possible by our friends at Fascinations (If you bought it there, they're going ot love it!)...and thus far, we've had some absolutely incredible entries.

So far, we've had trans-men showing off their collection of toys; Canadians; sex acts on Tucson landmarks; aspiring fiction writers in mall food courts; sex in bathroom stalls; action on dance floors; ghost-inspired copulation; a tribute to one of Tucson Weekly's legendary uncensored ads; a few stories inspired by regular Weekly columns; distracted soft-serve shop employees; medieval-esque fiction; a few instances of same-sex action; a tentacle-inspired sexual situation; a man wearing a wizard hat and a robe; and a whole lot of good-ol' fashioned sexytimes.

All things told, this contest has been more successful than we could have ever imagined...and we don't want to stop here. If you've got a story idea that you've been sitting on, fearing that it's not been good enough to compete with the rest of the stories submitted thus far, worry not. Make it as sexy, hilarious and ridiculous as you can stand, and send it in.

Tomorrow, the judging begins, and over the next few days, we'll begin determining who we'll be featuring in next week's issue of Tucson Weekly.

You've got five hours left, folks. Make 'em count.

According to my occasionally-suspect math, you've only got 30 hours left to submit your short stories to us for your chance at winning gift card money from Fascinations (If you got it at Fascinations, they're going to love it!)

But (and I say this not to deter anyone from submitting,) if you enter now, you'll be facing some stiff competition. We have, at last count, 24 entrants, all of whom brought their A-game. Whether the A-game of each individual competetor is any good is something that you might question, but I'll tell you right now that I love each and every entry...even if some of them are a bit on the special side.

I will go ahead and note that we've had a few entrants submit multiple stories, which is something I overlooked when creating the rules for this year. So, as an executive decision, our judges will only consider one story from those who have submitted multiples. As for which stories those are, I'll be making that call in a very scientific fashion (read: I'll probably use dice or pigeon racing or something).

So there you go. From this point on, no more multiple submissions. One per, please — save the grouping up for your bedroom, if you're so inclined.

Good luck folks. We'll see you at the finish line tomorrow. Bring a mop.

And by "it," I mean that someone finally put a few of our writers in a story...though, considering that one other story contains a character named "David" typing away at a laptop (an activity I'm doing at this very moment,) I'm not ruling out the idea that I inspired something magical.

I won't give away the details—after all, the stories still need to be judged this weekend, and to give much away would be unfair to everyone involved. Especially the lucky souls that will be reading these things.

I will say this much though: I appreciate that the writer told the story in the format of one of our regular features. Cleverly done, writer.

Two reminders:

One, the contest is coming to an end very soon. Entries MUST be received by the end of the day, Feb. 9. Otherwise, you'll be completely out of luck.

Two, we're still very short on LGBT-related entries, something which I'm personally very unhappy about, especially considering this town's LGBT-friendly reputation.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't thank our friends at Fascinations for making this contest possible. Fascinations: If it comes from there, they're going to love it!

Time's running out folks. Get to it.

My Valentine's Day plans are all set up. Have been so for quite some time, thanks to my obsession with details and planning ahead.

Then Casino del Sol's latest email hit my inbox, and now it's time to re-evaluate my priorities. And those of my wife.

The far superior of Tucson's two tribal gaming outfits — hey, Desert Diamond, got any more visits from the Dazz Band coming up? — has a pair of uniquely attractive events for next week that are likely to draw vastly different audiences.

First up is 'Hunks, The Show,' which apparently is an all-male revue of some sort that is going to be in Del Sol's Events Center on Tuesday night. The free-for-all-Club-Sol-members (note: joining this club is free, so if you're not already, do so!) event that is described as a "live high-energy production that showcases creative choreography and extravagant costumes guaranteed to captivate women of all ages!"

I'm sure men are allowed to be captivated, too. And not just by the choreography and costumes. Check out this clip to see if Hunks is up your alley:

Two nights later, on V-Day, Del Sol's poker room has spiced up its weekly $100 deep stack tournament by having 2004 World Series of Poker champion Greg Raymer set to participate. The oversized professional known as 'Fossilman' for his penchant for using fossils as card protectors while at a poker table — and who also enjoys slipping on some freaky snake-eyes glasses before staring you down when in a hand with him — will have a $500 bounty on his head that whoever knocks him out would collect.

Here's Fossilman in action from 2004, when the former patent attorney from North Carolina became a (poker) household name and won $5 million:

Now, to figure out a way to be allowed to go to the latter without having to also attend the former...

Tucson, I'm loving the contest we're running with help from our friends at Fascinations (your one-stop Valentine's Day shop!), and I'm incredibly amused by the entries we've been getting in.

But after sharing one of the latest works with a fellow staffer here who shall go unnamed, and noting the look of despair on their face upon completing story after story, I was hit with a realization:

We've opened a door to some of the deepest, darkest depths of the Old Pueblo's sordid sexual fantasies.

That's cool and all — I mean, this is a city that appears to support a fair number of strip clubs and sex-toy shacks in a relatively small area. To say that folks in this town are fairly sexually liberated might be understating things a bit.

But it's different when you read the things that people write about, which lends some insight into their own sexual inclinations: handjobs on public transport, bathroom stall trysts, hot-and-heavy action on dance floors, the morning ritual of a newspaper and coffee pleasantly interrupted—and even some that took an astonishing level of creativity to create. Bravo.

So keep those freak flags unfurled, Tucson. It's entertaining reading—and only barely psychologically scarring!

One note though: For a fairly LGBT friendly city, we've had only one(!) LGBT-related story. Hopefully, someone out there will rectify this by Feb. 9, when the entry period (hah!) closes at the end of the day.

In case you missed it, last Friday marked the first day of entries for our erotic short fiction contest, "150 Shades of Shame," (made possible by our friends at Fascinations: If it comes from Fascinations, they're gonna love it!) and I'm not ashamed to admit that I've already got a favorite—but to name favorites right now would be unfair to the folks who have entered. Thus, a selection of random sentences from some of the stories that have been submitted thus far, in one paragraph:

She lays, face first, on the Tucson Weekly, laid out on the floor. Just want to see what’s up around town. Now, let’s not be hasty. I.....rubbed.....my.....dong.

Beautiful. But not enough.

Tucson, we need more.

Thus, I provide this clip from Bob's Burgers for inspiration. Use it as you will.

If zombies touching butts doesn't get your creative juices flowing, I'm not sure what will, frankly.

In honor of Valentine's Day, we were recently handed $125 in gift cards from our friends at Fascinations, and encouraged to give them away to our talented and passionate readers in whatever way we saw fit.

After we dismissed the original ideas (including a KY wrestling tournament), we happened upon a fantastic thought: "What if we ran an erotic fiction contest?" And beyond that: "What if that contest involved the Weekly?"

Thus, 150 Shades of Shame was born.

So dear readers, we direct you to the Contest link here and above, or to the space below the jump, for the rules.