Armed with a "teaser" for their new reality show, the folks at Amy's Baking Company offer this to you, folks:

Yeah, that's a Rick Roll — you know, the phenomenon wherein people would trick you into watching something, then hit you with Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"?

It's fine if you don't remember, as the phenomenon got popular back in 2007, climaxed with a Rick Roll of the 2008 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (featuring Astley himself, performing his once-again-popular hit), and slowly petered out as the older members of one's family started using it in political contexts ("Oh ho ho, did you see what they did with Obama's speech? Why, it's hilarious that he's used fairly common words in the past!").

Now, the Bouzaglos have a hold of it. And may God help us if they realize its true potential.*

*Of which there is none.

Dammit, every time I think I'm done writing things about Amy's Baking Company, they pull me back in.

According to Consumerist (via Radar Online), apparently those wacky Bouzaglos are at it again (or, perhaps, remain at it), as they allegedly make their employees sign a contract prior to employment.

As one might assume, this contract appears to have been written by people who don't understand how the real world works, as it includes terms that seem...a bit harsh for working in a damn restaurant.

For instance (and note that everything in blockquotes can be considered [sic]'d right off of the bat):

5). Any attitude will result in immediate termination.

Well, I guess that's why poor waitress Katy Cipriano was fired instantly after asking Amy a question. READ THE CONTRACT, SUCKER.

17) The recipes and techniques that have been developed by Amy at ABC are exclusive and shall remain confidential. Any removal of recipes will be considered theft.

Considering that "America is about "ressling" as the Bouzaglos put it a few months ago, I'm not certain that they've got much to worry about regarding recipe theft.

20) By signing this contract, you are hereby accepting that you will be employed exclusively by ABC Amy's Baking Co. LLC. And shal not work for any competitor within a 50 mile radius of ABC within one year of termination or voluntary Resignation, without prior authorization from ABC. Amy's Baking Co LLC.

ahahahah what

So we're clear, that would mean that you'd be unable to work ANYWHERE in the Phoenix metropolitan area.

Your closest job opportunity within the food industry would probably be the In-N-Out Burger in Casa Grande -- no jumping ship across the strip mall for you!

There's so, so much more to it -- but I can't share more with you for fear of my brain collapsing in on itself in an attempt to understand the madness.

Head to Radar Online for more.

It might have been a tactical error on my part to mention in this week's issue that we don't receive enough letters to the editor, because now I'm getting stuff like this odd commentary on our May 30 issue:

To Mr. Dan Gibson:
I looked at and read some of your TucsonWeekly-Seeking Justice and was apalled at what I saw especially your justice statue symbol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do you have what looks like pornographic angels supporting the justice statue????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And why a sword in her hand?????????????????????? Also what are the letters on the sides of the platform suppose to stand for????????????????????????????????????
Another desicrating reference is a comic strip on page 4 of ryming pop corn and cop porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still other examples of pornography is on page 58,59,60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this the examples you want of the Constitution?????????????????????????????? Do you want such people representatives of the Constitution!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should their not be Character evaluations of politicians to prove they are caring people both in their personal life and professional!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps you would like to amend your paper to show what a Genuine Constitution should be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That may inspire many people to a better reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also on page 51, there is a statement: "I Can't Live Without My Radio"has a spot in the Knights Templar of RCR, and "Accidental Racist" aside, to paraphrase Chuck D, LL does as well." Do you have more information on the secret society Knights Templar that you can e-mail me???????????????? I am trying to educate myself on these cultures.
I await your response and invite you to make the Constitution Better Than What It Is Suppose To Be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
a severely desicrated "citizen"

Presenting your latest dose of "The Internet is Weird": using a tesla coil, foam, leather and a whole bunch of crazy, a man created a replica of Thor's hammer that generates 80,000 volts of electricity.

While it's fun watching that man go all Uncle Fester with light bulbs, I have to wonder what the possible uses for that thing are — aside from potentially hacking that foam hammer into a stun gun, that is.

Despite the title, this video isn't actually about animals fighting — it's more about glitter and that dry, paint-dust stuff that people throw at color runs, and people "throwing down" (read: in choreographed fights) while wearing silly, fuzzy jumpsuits with hoods.

This weird video, produced by the folks at Nerdist, features the somewhat-catchy tune "The Underdog" by Wallpaper, allowing for animal tie-ins.

The video appears to have also been bankrolled, in part, by kigurumi-shop.com, which is all about selling you silly, animal-inspired feety-pajamas (in a related note, it appears I have now finished all of my Christmas shopping, so mission accomplished, Nerdist).

If you're one of the folks who is behind our continued employment of medical marijuana guy J.M. Smith (i.e., you're not one of the folks Tom Danehy talks to on the regular), this should be relevant to your interests: a veterinarian thinks is OK for you to get your pet high — for medicinal purposes only, of course.

From the Associated Press, via azcentral.com:

Leading the charge is Los Angeles veterinarian Doug Kramer, 36, known as the “Vet Guru,” who felt it was his duty to speak out while he has no family that would feel a verbal or financial backlash.

“I grew tired of euthanizing pets when I wasn’t doing everything I could to make their lives better,” he said. “I felt like I was letting them down.”

Pot eased his Siberian husky’s pain during her final weeks, after she had surgery to remove tumors. Not only did Nikita stop whimpering while using cannabis, but she started eating, gaining weight and meeting him at the door again.

It gave him six extra weeks with his dog before he had to euthanize her, he says. It wasn’t a cure, but he thinks it freed her of pain and improved her last days.

Some other vets contacted said they share Kramer’s view on pot, but they wouldn’t talk on the record for fear of arrest or retaliation.

Huh. Well, that's well and good, but there's got to be a contrast, right? Help us out here, Colorado:

Vets who want traditional testing point to a study by two Colorado animal hospitals that compared the number of dogs treated for what appeared to be accidental marijuana overdoses between 2005 and 2010 with increases in the number of marijuana licenses issued. As registrations increased 146-fold, the number of sickened pets went up four-fold.

“Sometimes public sentiment and activity gets ahead of the scientific background and that can be dangerous,” said Barry Kellogg, senior veterinary adviser to the Humane Society of the United States.

While two dogs with pot in their system died in the Colorado survey, hallucinogenic reactions may make dogs wobbly on their legs, raise their pulse and cause dribbly urine, said Dr. Karl Jandrey, an emergency and critical care vet at the Veterinary Medical Teaching Hospital at the University of California, Davis.

Spectacular.

As the AP notes, one can get past severely f—king up their pet with weed by actually taking care to properly dose the critter, as with portioned out treats.

At the same time, doesn't it seem inherently selfish to try to extend the life of a living being who is suffering? I mean sure, give the dog all the THC drops in the world if you want, but it seems cruel to drag out the final days of a creature who won't necessarily be able to enjoy it as much as you may wish.

(Note: I am seriously this close to accidentally typing "chocolate covered anuses," which would make this a substantially different product.)

It's amazing how much I think I've seen before the Internet tells me that, once again, I have no idea.

Anyway, if you're one of those people too, then we've got some sharing and learning to do, friend! I present to you, the Edible Anus!

That's a beautiful image. The best part, though, is the copy, which is in full below if you can't read it:

Rings of succulent chocolate lovingly cast and crafted from the delectable posterior of our stunning butt model. This luxury chocolate is unique and manufactured entirely in the UK. Watch Grandma's face light up as she unwraps a homely selection of chocolate cracks. The perfect gift for all the family.

PRESERVATIVES? NOT HERE WE ONLY SELL FRESH CHOCOLATES!

For us, making chocolate is an art, which is why we only produce traditional hand made chocolate of the highest standard. We also believe the anus range can dissolve cultural boundaries of race, gender, class and sexual orientation. So join the uprising, spread the joy and let's teach the world to LOVE THE ANUS.

I don't know about you guys, but I cannot imagine a world in which I present a box of chocolate anuses to my nana.

Regardless, this (w)hole thing raises a number of questions: One, can we see the butt model? Not necessarily the exact, uh, "region" from which the mold was formed, but at least to get an impression (ha!) of the ass we're eating? Two, why are we limited to only white chocolate, milk chocolate and dark chocolate? I feel we should at least get mocha and strawberry-vanilla flavors, to truly represent the anus spectrum. I mean, there's got to be a practical rainbow of asses out there, right? And three, doesn't it just make sense that one of the members of the Scissor Sisters endorses these things?

But don't worry, folks. If an Edible Anus is too much for you, there's something even better coming down the pipeline, we've got a better solution: an Inedible Anus formed from silver, complete with engraved edition number. Y'know. For the person who needs to have one of everything.

Just note that each order of a box o' butts will cost you at least $36 (five boxes, three anuses each), plus $12 for shipping and handling.

You don't want them to be rough with your new anuses, after all.

[Edible Anus; h/t Laughing Squid]

If you've ever wanted to own a disputable piece of semi-Presidential history, then I've got the deal for you!

It appears that some gentleman (lady?) in the Phoenix metropolitan area has a fence that supposedly, used to surround the home of renowned Arizona senator and Presidential runner-up Barry Goldwater — and it's for sale!

This fence, like Senator Goldwater himself, is one of a kind. You can own a little bit of history & add historical value to your home.

The late senator, known to some as "Mr. Conservative," served five terms in the U.S. Senate and was the 1964 Republican nominee for president.

Although that campaign ended in a landslide for incumbent President Lyndon Johnson, Goldwater is widely viewed as a prime force in the rightward tilt of U.S. politics in the decades that followed.

Peggy Goldwater died in 1985 after 51 years of marriage. Goldwater died at his Paradise Valley home in 1998.

HISTORY FOR SALE — BARRY GOLDWATER - Remember this great man and his famous quote? "The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."

Of course, Goldwater was also quoted in saying that "the radical right has nearly ruined (the Republican) party," but that's neither here nor there, really.

The fact is, there's a fence for sale that may or may not have belonged to Barry Goldwater. If you want it then it's apparently up for grabs to the best offeror.

[Craigslist]

There's something beautiful when someone is so damn earnest about what they're doing that they don't recognize the hilarity of their actions — when they're pouring their heart and soul into something, and it turns out to be heartwarming and amusing, even if it's for all the wrong reasons.

Such is the case with Prancercising, and it's creator/founder/head-prancer-in-charge Joanna Rohrback, who just loves to "cut the noose and let it loose" — apparently, in sparsely-populated parks on mildly-overcast days.

Honestly, this is what the Internet was made for — it's like Tim and Eric's comedy wet-dream (if carried a mild undertone of sadness, anyway), with your average, everyday person trying to share something they love in the most awkward outfit imaginable, and playing it completely straight.

If you're interested in learning more about the joy of Prancercising, you're in luck! The Prancercise book is available for you to order right here.

(Also, in an off-putting realization, I'm fairly certain that woman doesn't invest in undergarments. Just an observation.)

Parenting is hard, from what I understand. Kids are, from time to time, tremendous assholes. Whiny, entitled, spoiled and picky as hell — trust me, I was at least one of those things at any given time for much of my adolescent life.

But my parents had the good sense to, y'know, parent me, as opposed to trying to teach me lessons.

Unlike these folks from Scottsdale, which is fast becoming a cultural black hole of absolutely batshit people:

My kids are becoming really picky eaters and arn't finishing their plates. I told them "There are starving people out there who would love to have that," but they don't seem to get it. I would like to force them to throw away the food from their unfinished plates in front of someone who is really really skinny who will act hungry.

I'd love for you to get into the role. Maybe a wide-eyed-whimper and extension of an emancipated claw/hand as the meatloaf slides into the trash can. Must be able to pull off dejected as you sulk away.

I'd love to avoid meth skinny for obvious reasons. Also actual hunger skinny because that meatloaf is staying in the trash. Also would like to avoid some sort of body-image-malfunction skinny because my daughter is so impressionable right now (which is why it's prime time to teach this lesson). My #1 choice would be parasite skinny, but I know chances of finding that are slim.

Hah! "Slim." Get it? It's a play on words that may or may not have been completely unintentional.

No word on whether or not this position has been filled, but...yeah.

Now would be a good time to note that, at the bottom of the ad, the gig would offer no compensation for watching entitled brats throw their food into a garbage can, then shooed away like some Dickensian beggar. NO MEATLOAF FOR YOU, URCHIN. GET OUT.