National Security

Your Honor, on the count of an exceedingly racist bumblehead comedic shtick, we find wannabe funnyman Martin Lawrence guilty as charged. On the count of possession of a deadpan performance, we find actor Steve Zahn guilty as charged. With the evidence presented in director Dennis Dugan’s highly predictable buddy/cop action flick, defendant number one repeatedly is heard casting discriminating jibes as he portrays a cocky security guard who gets kicked out of L.A.P.D. training school. He’s caught in the middle of a twisted plot involving crooked cops and government-issued atomic alloys worth millions of dollars. In this same piece of evidence, defendant number two can be seen with a grim countenance as he supposedly is attempting to be humorous during his wild escapades on garbage barges in this so-called comedy. They are hereby sentenced to 20 years in the state penitentiary. This court is adjourned.