The Canyons

There’s a lot of buzz surrounding this film, and not the good kind. Believe it, folks, this film is a complete mess. Director Paul Schrader, once a true auteur, either lost a bet or has truly lost his talent. Either way, his chips are cashed with this one. Bret Easton Ellis wrote the script, and true to his form, it’s full of assholes in Hollywood being assholes in Hollywood. Adult-film swordsman James Deen is Christian, a spoiled trust-funder. He’s obsessed with Tara (Lindsay Lohan), a two-bit actress who’s still sleeping with her ex-boyfriend Ryan (Nolan Gerald Funk). Deen is as charismatic as a box of rocks, while Lohan is probably lost forever. The real stars here are cellphones; every two minutes somebody’s texting, calling or filming amateur orgy films with them. Midnight movie programmers, heed my advice: Book this deplorable soap opera with The Room for maximum chuckles and thank me later.