Van Helsing

Imagine the best Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon ever. It still sucks, doesn’t it? That’s Van Helsing, a movie of almost literally non-stop action. Action so pointless that it makes the Iraq war seem well-thought out in comparison. Action so boring that it’s tantamount to watching a 30-second edit of any other action movie over and over again for two hours. Basically, the plot involves Dracula and Frankenstein and The Wolfman blowing up a lot, or falling off cliffs, or getting involved in voting scandals or something. I don’t know: It’s pretty hard to stay awake when the endless rhythm of chin-music and gun-fire forms a droning lullaby of plotlessness and despair. Is it full of sound and fury? Yes! Does it signify something? No!